{ borrowed words }

Worship

One thousand miles away our churches stand empty.
But we are alive and we give thanks.
Five villages' worth of Aleuts gather in the field under a steady rain.
The hem of God brushes our upturned faces.

from Karen Hesse's Aleutian Sparrow

* * * *

the imagery was too lovely to pass up.

{ bittersweet }

tomorrow is my last day of student teaching. likewise, tomorrow is my last day of university. tomorrow i graduate.

it is too surreal to believe. everyone else keeps telling me the words, but they haven't sunk in yet. as i'm settling in here at home now, i am realizing what it means. i am realizing that i am feeling a little lost.

how could i be feeling lost, you ask? you think i should be out getting hammered tomorrow night and celebrating my brains out? no thanks. for starters, that's not my style, but more than that, i am feeling a little more scared than excited at this point. i want to get a job right away (a teaching job, i mean; i still have my hospital job), and the thought of it not happening for me this year is just so disheartening. these next 2 weeks will be full of a whirlwind of job applications, portfolio preparation, and organizing my home office (not to mention working practically every evening shift at the hospital). i wish i had time to breathe, and i wish i didn't. do i, or don't i? oh, i don't know anymore. i want to travel, i want to settle down. i want something new and exciting, but i want the same old-same old. i want to be free of everything, i want to be anchored to something. am i nothing but a paradox? if so, maybe this post's title, another oxymoron, is the best way to describe today (and tomorrow):

bittersweet.

{ the secret to good teaching: }

no wonder i'm so exhausted by day's end ...

and in other news, i just stopped at costco and picked up the five people you meet in heaven by mitch albom. now karel and i can really get this book club going ...

{ blogging about blogging? }

check out this article regarding the privacy of teen blogging and let me know what you think: is it ethical for parents to read kids' online blogs? after all, the argument is that the blogs are meant for public viewing, and parents definitely make up a portion of that public. however, kids complain that it is as bad as if parents were picking the locks on their diaries.

what do you think? personally, i side with the parents (am i just getting old and uncool?) leave a comment.

{ another recipe added }

for those of you who like chinese fried rice i came up with my own recipe for dinner tonight and it turned out really quite well! i've posted it here so you can all try it out if you want--it's super easy!

{ my eyes are red hot embers }

today was the first day that i almost nearly snapped. the kids were so crazy--is it a full moon or something? i planned a really fun and interesting class that they showed absolutely zero interest in (because they were much too interested in wandering around, chatting, and tormenting one another instead). so, i hit my breaking point, announced that we would be immediately putting away the fun activity (this was only about 7 minutes into it) and would spend the rest of the class working on our [boring] poetry sheets (this was my backup lesson prepared for the next day). however, this lesson involved group work, so i put them into their groups, and the lesson started going even MORE downhill. they went absolutely psycho, no one would follow instructions, people were shouting and throwing pens ... and i could see my mentor teacher out of the corner of my eye trying desperately to keep her mouth shut and her eyes lowered.

i couldn't wait to get in the car and go home--but i literally had to sit in my hard wooden chair for a good 10 minutes after school by myself just to cool down first. i hadn't lost my composure on the outside, but on the inside i was absolutely on fire!

the hilarious thing about all this in retrospect (can an hour later actually be retrospect?) is that for tomorrow my teacher has asked me to get the kids to write figurative poems based on emotions (for example, love, loneliness, ecstasy, and so on). hilarious why? i felt that now was the perfect time for me to practise writing my own poem:

        rage is the uncontrollable, unidentifiable
        urge to just SCREAM! with eyes as hot as
        lazer beams, first focused on one spot, then
        scanning the room for any challenging forces.

        rage is gritted teeth barring the gurgles and
        growls that attempt to escape a desert hot throat;

        it is disrespected, mocked; it is
        the fan that feeds the flames already
        surrounding it--the ones that are already
        OUT OF CONTROL!

        rage is: ME
        (because of YOU!)

and that is all for now.

{ words from a professional listener: }

a wise woman, indeed, margaret laurence. her philosophy of listening (or of eavesdropping, if you prefer) is mine as well. in fact, i intend to spend my favorite type of saturday afternoon doing precisely this today: i shall park myself in starbucks with a mocha and a huge stack of marking and shall simply "hear what i can hear". it is a great way to hear a little bit of everything--drama, comedy, philosophy, and just plain old gossip. i can't wait.

{ reliving a summer memory }

With childing Indian war whoops and an excited sprinting pace, I raced out to the riverbank, settling down into a slow jog only once my sneakered feet hit the first sandy dune. I kicked off those shoes with much ease and in a familiar motion flicked them to the side with frollicking, eager toes. Then, scrambling across the beach joyfully in faded green clamdiggers, I teased the lapping river's fringe, always darting just beyond its gentle, refreshing reach. Finally, I stood in tranquil, peaceful stillness and listened to the quiet rush of the water and the distant echo of the faraway roar of the falls. Without my mind consciously realizing, my big toe snuck out mischievously to splash at the water's edge, and only the surprising coolness jarred my skyward gaze back down to my sandy feet. For a moment I fluttered around the shoreline a little more, daring even to drag an entire, sun-warmed foot through the icy fresheness, only puling it out again once even my ankle bone had become numb with the chilly bite. Then, annointed by the peace of the river, I clambered over to a large rock, my rock, and, peering out over the shore,my shore, I sat in meditation, almost ritualistically. I took time to soak up the beauty and quiescence of this place, for I knew that I would use it to dwell sanely when I was back amongst people.

{ show and tell (minus the show) }

although i can't show and tell as some others have been doing, i can still participate in the tell part.

the question of the day is: what is on your bedside table? and so, without further ado, here is a description of mine:

i have three different kinds of lotion, to start with. why i need all three, i'm not really sure, other than the fact that i like to switch up the scents and textures every few days. of course i have a little "reading lamp" which is much too dull to actually read by (especially since i seem particularly prone to eye strain).

i also have two kinds of lipgloss--the small pot of carmex that accompanies me absolutely everywhere, as well as a wand-type that is shaped and flavored like a Dairy Queen ice cream cone (it sounds great, but believe me, it's quite overrated).

in my top drawer are pooka shells inherited from my sister (in white and coral, necklaces and bracelets) and vintage glass bead necklaces from my nana, grandma, and baba (being a teacher means you can wear these kinds of "grown up" things and pull them off).

as for reading material, i have my copy of the iliad at the ready, although its rigid spine still remains uncracked. once i finish my oprah book club book, one hundred years of solitude (which is also on the pile), then maybe i'll tackle that heavy classic. i also have my favorite reading material of all: a stack of food-related magazines borrowed from our public library (especially everyday food, which is put out by martha stewart living).

last but not least, i have my icebag at the ready for the migraines that i'm also so prone to (the one i had after school today nearly wiped me out). luckily 2 cans of pepsi and 2 extra strength advil gel caps managed to do the trick this evening.

all in all, that is my bedside table (or my nightstand, as i call it). anyone else care to share? leave a memo (or your URL) in the comments so i can take a peek. as i commented to someone else, i am one of the nosiest people you'll ever meet--i'll never pass up an opportunity to snoop a little! ;)

{ if you desire change: }

{ count your blessings }

just some of the simple pleasures i cherished today:

- the glorious sunshine beaming down at 20 degrees celsius
- fitting my hand into an old baseball glove and playing catch with chiye
- writing a lesson plan that my mentor teacher praised and raved about
- mortifyingly embarrassing my grade nine students by saying "wiggity whack"
- baking some more of those decadent chewy double chocolate cookies (and sharing them with friends)
- having a laidback bbq dinner with two of my favorite bachelors ;)
- new lime coke
- hearing the crack of the bat against the ball in teachers vs. students slowpitch after school
- finally having someone enthusiastic enough to play along to jeopardy with (stephen!)
- the mind-bogglingly amazing 'zine assignments that my students turned in today (all 90 of them!)
- wearing a tanktop outside for the first time this year
- a night ahead of me of doing absolutely whatever i want, with no commitments to dread!

{ late night TV announcers ... }

... can say whatever they want to, i suppose. i had the giggles again tonight after i remembered something that i heard a local tv announcer say the other night (around midnight or so). the local station was about to air an old Steven Seagal movie, when the young, late night announcer said:

"And now, Steven Seagal and his ponytail
star in (insert movie title here)."

i quite honestly nearly died of laughter. and now as i sit trying to complete lesson plans at 12:45 am, at least i have something to giggle about again ... :)

{ play along }

A blog meme (via amy) that I will play along with:

1. Grab the nearest book. 2. Open the book to page 123. 3. Find the fifth sentence. 4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions. 5. Don't search around and look for the coolest book you can find. Do what's actually next to you.

"At once these flames were extinguished, and
thenceforth my breast has been stiff with
encircling ice, whence Cupid has feared a frost
for his arrows, and Venus fears my Diomedean
strength."
from Oxford Press's John Milton.

And for all your information, read up on the term "meme" (because I had to).

{ gritty fingernails }

derek and i have been going for walks lately. last night it was time for a twilight adventure in a construction site near our house, and this afternoon we worked off greasy burgers in a ravine not far from our house. i was proud of myself; i did something i absolutely did not want to do: i climbed an extremely steep, mucky cliff face, wearing my favorite, gleaming white running shoes. i did it to put an end to derek's taunting, but to also prove to myself that i'm not just some sort of stick-in-the-mud tagalong. i can be adventurous too, when i feel like it.

and now, i glance down at the tap-tap-tapping fingers on my keyboard and notice the well-earned grit that is beneath them. i can smile and know that that was all my own doing :)

(ps--as for the new layout teaser post, i deleted it because i am not so sure that i still like that new layout i designed ... it is fun and fresh, but it does somewhat lack the sophisticated style that i love so much in this layout; therefore, i will just sit on it for a while more)

there is something awesome, amazing, unspeakable about true worship. the north american standard has created its own representation of "worship", which is actually nothing of the sort. i am tired of "the church" in general being so willing to accept something that is not the real thing; however, i wonder how many people do settle for this new procedural type of worship simply because they have never been led to or discovered that place where true worship truly does exist: in the heart.

last night was amazing. i am humbled by simon's frankness, honesty, courage, and passion. a part of me that was sleeping has been reawakened, and i see the world in a new light this morning.

{ another one of those "thinkin'" nights }

first thing's first: take a peek at this gorgeous photo (as usual) from A Walk Through Durham Township, PA

there is something about those old wedding photos that just imprints such a lasting sense of beauty on my mind. whenever i see those sweet, classic-looking faces of the young bride and groom in those sepia tones, something in my heart just twinges a little. there is always a bit of a melancholy beauty about it to me ... and i'm not sure what stirs the feelings of nostalgic sadness, but they do linger there in my mind. the bride and groom are serious and not gleaming like today's "happy" couples; their clothes are humble and the flowers are scant. and yet it is photos like those that do remain around until fiftieth anniversaries. what do we know nowadays anyways, with our, what, 50 or 52 percent national divorce rate? marriages formed half a century ago were not always glamorous or perfect in a hollywood sense of the word, but there was something deeper to them, i think. in going through marriage, i have come to realize, although just to the tiniest degree, that it is adversity that truly does bring people closer together, and that love is something that you must commit to do in your heart. love is an action and not a state of being. i look into the eyes of the couple in this photo, and they are calm with a fragment of fear underneath. there is a lot to fear when you fully commit to dedicating your whole heart and life to another individual, but an immediate realization of this existing fear brings a maturity and then a security to the relationship. the relationships that fail are the ones that are overly idealized and not at all realistic, the ones that do rest more on feeling and fantasy than on commitment and dedication.

i think the sadness i feel when i see these old wedding photographs stems mainly from the realization that our western concept of love has somehow changed over this past half century. people claim to be discovering revolutionary forms of love, pleasure, happiness, and self-satisfaction, and yet true love is nowhere in that. i wish we could all look back and learn some of the time-tested truths that so many of our grandparents were willing to embrace.

{ brand spankin' new }

well, in my desperate plea for a book club partner, karel stepped forward and offered to fill that role for me! so, we have started up an official blog for the books that we will be reading, and anybody is welcome to read along with us! check out all the exciting chit chat at http://lisez.bellechanson.org!

{ if i had a quarter for every swear word ... }

(... i'd be rich)

this article reminded me of an interesting conversation that stephen and i got caught up in last week. it's also intruiguing because i work with junior high students day in and day out. my fellow student teacher has combated this problem in her classroom by bringing out a good old fashioned "swear jar" :)

{ something this good ... }

... must be shared.

the cookies are out and i have already enjoyed several! ;)

you should all definitely partake in these Chewy Double Chocolate Cookies as well!

{ mmmmm...smells good! }

i have been doing a lot of baking today ... i just made a banana bread for stephen, and now i am baking double chocolate cookies for myself (and possibly for my colleagues tomorrow, depending on how many i do/don't eat tonight! hehe) ... i am trying out a new recipe and the first batch should be out in about 6 more minutes ... my mouth is watering!!

i feel like i can slack off and have this rich, sugary snack because i had such a healthy supper--steamed asparagus, herbed wild rice, with 7 grain/bean salad on the side! i feel quite proud of myself :)

i am thinking of putting up a teaching section on this website, to post my lesson plans ... but who would read them other than me?? i'm still thinking about it, i guess ...

anyways, gotta go check those cookies! i will keep y'all posted on how they turn out :)

{ could i ever be a "hero"? }

my mentor teacher has been teaching her grade eights a unit on heroes and villains, which has so far been very interesting; she has been showing them the A&E Top 100 People of the Millenium special (I would highly suggest that you see if your local library has it!). i have really been somewhat ... inspired by watching it. they do about a 2 minute spiel on each person that they deserves that spotlight, however tiny, for being one out of a hundred of the most important people of the last one thousand years. the list includes both "heroes and villains", as my teacher is trying to illustrate (students will later choose one of these individuals to write about).

more than the fact that they are just cliched "heroes" or "villains", i am intruiged by the fact that these individuals have impacted history so significantly (be it for the good or for the bad). it leaves me feeling so motivated to do something, to leave a mark, to "make a difference to the world" (do you all want to join me in gagging over that cliche??). is it just a lust for power and glory, or is it a real human drive to do something of value?

there were some haunting statements that emerged from those videos as well (many of them in a "from beyond the grave" sort of way). for example, the man who discovered/created the atomic bomb spoke later at some sort of conference where he said he himself would personally undo everything he had done if he had the chance. he said that if he had known what would come of his experiments, then he would never have begun them in the first place. he also commented on the passage in the bible which prophesies about the distant future, saying that men's flesh will immediately disappear into dust (or something to that effect), and he literally shuddered at the thought that he had some part in fulfilling that destiny.

it was so ominous, so eerie ... and it just gives such a reminder how many things in life can be bigger than onesself alone.

anyhow, it is a fascinating video series and is well worth watching for interest's sake, or just to brush up on your history a little.

{ does oprah read? }

i have been enjoying that oprah book club book that i've been reading ("one hundred years of solitude"), but how many of you actually think that oprah reads all those books herself ... ?

i will write a longer, better post tomorrow, when i'm not so tired :P

{ my summer motto }

heading into a new spring and quite shortly a new summer, i have adopted the motto that i have been hearing my mother and my grandmother recite for years:
this is no time of life to be lazy. this is the one time where i can maximize all of my future goals. a little scary, of course, but more exciting, i think. i've started working in conjunction with this motto today ... looking for a full time job this summer. we'll see how fruitful that search turns out to be soon ...

{ patience to paint }

view my creative process here

{ rainy daze }

sometimes just being one (as in a single person) is nice. i am in starbucks right now and there was one cramped seat left at the bar. i snatched it up while other couples are standing in a makeshift line waiting for more seats for free up (but, let's face it, practically everyone in here is reading a fat book, so it may be a while)

* * * *
today is a rare day. the humidity can be easily felt, which doesn't happen often around here. my coat sticks to me a little, and even once it's off, the coffee shop maintains the thick, damp air. a chill is brought on, but my hot, syrupy coffee counters it as i am warmed from the inside out--always a pleasant feeling.

rainy days bring
       thick books, ponderous stares and
       intense silences;
jazzy music buzzes and sometimes blasts, but
no one is attentive to its messages.
green velvet chairs welcome a
weary soul who has waited
       so long
for a day like today.
toes demand to be wriggled,
minds cheer in peaceful silence,
not disturbing the much coveted stillness that has descended.
today, because it is not commonplace,
this rainy day is cherished.

{ sidewalk | doubletake }

this guy does the absolute craziest sidewalk chalk drawings i've ever seen. be especially sure to check out the 3D Illusion section.

{ frown . . . }

why am i the only person i know who wants to start a book club? there must be someone else i know who could say they are at least minimally mutually interested in doing this too ...

{ - - - rejuvenate - }

ahhh ... i just sweated out all my day's stresses in what seemed to be the world's longest bath. the reason for my extended soak? i finally finished to kill a mockingbird! i can't say it was my favorite book, but it ended up being a lot better than the beginning of the book led me to believe.

i feel so refreshed, and so rejuvenated, as my title indicates. derek and i went for an invigorating 45 minute walk together this evening, i came home, had a relaxing bath, and finished my first novel in a long time.

hopefully this will all turn out to be a good omen for me getting a good sleep tonight (finally...)

{ the true photographer's eye }

you have to check out these amazingly creative photos.

{ day of rest }

well, another sunday is here at last. despite the necessity of coveting sundays as a day of rest, i haven't felt like i've had a relaxing one in quite some time. today, however, eric was kind enough to drive me home early from church so that i can get all my gear together for my "back to school" day tomorrow. despite the fact that i still have to mark 3 essays, read 100 pages of to kill a mockingbird, mark 30 short answer exams and develop some lesson plans on advertising for tomorrow, i still feel at peace.

my house is clean, our little tranquility fountain is trickling away, the tv is off, and the sun is streaming into our house from nearly every angle at this time of day. i can read and mark while running a hot bubble bath, i can take a break to watch extreme home makeover (i'm in that kind of mood tonight), and i still have time to jot this little note in my blog.

there is nothing for the mind and soul like a day of rest. i have been discovering lately how so much of the concept of rest is mental and not physical. i can feel more rested and relaxed on some days where i have lots to do than on days where i just lie around watching tv and napping for 14 hours.

so i determined that today will be restful for me. it's 3:30, and i feel off to a good start.

{ spring break is almost over ... }

well, despite the fact that i am the teacher, i am pouting like a little student at the fact that spring break is almost over! there was so much that i wanted to accomplish, both personally, academically, spiritually ... so much. i always do that. i am such an overachiever, that i pile WAY too much on my plate and then never even get through a quarter of it. oh well. it's better than not having any goals, i suppose.

at any rate, i've trucked through half of to kill a mockingbird so far. despite the fact that i'm not really enjoying it, it's really helped me get back into the swing of reading. i have several other books lined up to read once i finish this one and mark the tests that accompany it. i've also marked about half of the essays that i have to have done for monday ... so this afternoon i will attempt (despite the glorious sunny weather and first signs of grass!) to finish.

i also wanted to mention that i had a very enjoyable time on keri smith's page last night, so you might, too.

also, i've added a recipe for simple white cake, the kind you can make when you think you have no ingredients in your house (take note it does need some sort of frosting, however!).

anyways, time to sit in front of the sun and soak it all up while i still can ...

{ page update }

I added two more poems to the write section:

- "Black and White"; and
- "You and Me as Macaronis".

For now, that is all!