{ #25: post marriage }

Age 20

July 25, 2003

[writing in a new journal]

The first time I saw this book, I thought it was so hideous. I tucked it deep into the back of my drawer, assuming that I would never, ever end up using it. However, since I have moved out with Derek, I have been looing at this journal nearly every day, thinking to myself how pretty it actually is. Maybe I'm getting older or something, but now I always find myself drifting more towards items that Mom likes than ones that Amy does. It's kind of funny, but I have moved into another one of many new phases in my life that I can now begin to expect. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Lisa with a baby carriage. Yes, I'm sure it's not all that far off after all. In some ways I feel so ready for it, but in other ways I want to fight it all so badly ... whether it's change itself or maybe just the wrong kind of changes, I'm not quite sure. Don't get me wrong; I love being married to Derek, but lately I find myself wishing that I had had some sort of transition period of living on my own. But, on the other hand, living alone likely isn't all that I romanticize it to be--it's probably a lot more working, not getting enough sleep, and worrying about money than becoming a successful writer and living in a loft downtown, sipping Starbucks lattes and becoming an avid book-reader.

You know, I'm a silly girl that way. Somehow, for some reason (even though I realize I do it), I always take all of the personality changes that I dream of seeing in myself, and I wrap them up in an unrealistic, unattainable fantasy world that has little to nothing to do with the actual changes I'd like to see in my life; then, since the entire thing seems so unattainable, I give up on each small goal that could well be achieved individually. For example, with enough willpower, I could have done more writing this summer, I could have been more disciplined with bedtimes and become a morning person, I could have built stronger relationships with penpals, I could have learned more, and read more books. And, the thing is, I didn't really have to move to Paris, or buy a straw hat, or force myself to like espresso to accomplish any of these things. All I had to do was consciously decide and will myself to do these things, to become passionate about them and dedicated to seeing them come true ... that's all that these dreams ever really required, yet I only realize it now, three months into summer, with only one chaotically busy month left. But, better late than never, I suppose.

Maybe later I will write out a realistic, concrete list of goals for August and the fall. But now I have to go. I will write again soon.

Lisa

------

MY GOALS FOR SUMMER AND AUTUMN

1) fall more in love with my husband
2) keep in touch with my students in Korea
3) freewrite for a minimum of five minutes every day
4) become a morning person! (Why? I'd love to enjoy the fresh part of the day, to pray early in the morning, and to do some writing early in the morning ... like at Writer's Camp ... I think it would make me more energized, less lazy, more disciplines, and more in love with life itself!)
5) During that time of being a morning person, I want to get into some hardcore "devotions". Not "read a chapter a day", but I want to really meditate on certain scriptures and pray them over my day and over other people's days.
6) Also in the mornings, I would like to do some yoga-type exercises ... more stretching and flexing and breathing than jogging or something ...
7) drink more water
8) take more risks and be more adventurous. I figure if I can do something to surprise Derek once in a while, that will actually be quite an amazing accomplishment. I'd still really like to go camping, to try rock-climbing, to go for hikes in the ravine, to go out and watch the stars.
9) Read more books. In fact, the next list to appear in this book is going to be my "Books to Read" list
10) Use more COLOR in this journal!! (for some reason, even this is a big risk for me!)

{ #24: itching to be married }

Age 19

January 21, 2003

Last night Derek and I went over to our friends' house (Andrew and Kim). It was so much fun! We organized a potluck (spaghetti, garlic bread, salad, and dessert) with our friends, some of the other couples. It was so much fun to just hang out and talk and do such grown-up things! I don't often have many chances to feel so adult and independent. Andrew and Kim's townhouse is so cute--it even has an upstairs and a basement, so it really feels like a house! They have been so blessed and have recieved so much furniture for free, and everything is decorated so cute! The hardest part of being there was being with people who are all married--it kind of made me think for a moment that Derek and I are already married ...

I cannot wait to be married now, honestly. I don't know how I will be able to last another four months of this inbetween time! Yes, Derek and I have been having more disagreements now since we got engaged, and not everything goes as smoothly as when we were dating, but I cannot imagine my life without him. And being together so much--talking more, planning ahead, growing closer to one another--makes me want to just be married already!! Before, I thought an eleven and a half month engagement seemed to not be enough time to plan a wedding, but now I don't know how I'll be able to make it another 4 months and 10 days! I guess it's like school, though--ever year I don't know how I'll make it to the end, but I always do, somehow. And, lucky for me, it always manages to whiz by faster than expected. I'm hoping the next 4 months do that too! I think things like doing our registry and having showers will make things go by a lot quicker, and they'll keep us busy and having fun in the meantime.

Well, my Sociology prof awaits.

Lisa

{ #23: our first month together }

Age 18

October 15, 2001

Life has been amazing lately. I have liked Derek for about 6 months now, and rather than saying anything about it, I prayed, and God perfectly orchestrated everything ... every detail was perfect. The view of the lights from the hilltop, the white rose--my favorite flower. And, of course, the perfect guy with a mutual sense of vision and expectation for all that is to come. Thank you Father God.

To sit in silence is amazing. That was last night. It is always being said that the sign of true friendship is that you can sit in silence and not have to talk. I want him and I to be best friends in every way. Slowly I see us working towards this, going deeper and deeper as we dig our foundation.

tracing mountains of knuckles
exploring valleys of the palm
wandering up and down the crevaces,
indents, deep marks of your character
of your hands
slipping between your fingers
we stay there, holding on
to the moment,
to our mutual heart;
hand in hand, a united soul
prancing continuously onward
to our goal on the horizon.


November 6, 2001

"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words." - Unknown

Finally! I finished my second last midterm! I think I had about nine this term or something wretched like that. Now I only have one left, thank goodness! November will be a good month :) Well ... it has already started off as a good month, that's for sure! The night of November 4th was very fun ... I went to Derek's acreage for a family dinner--his Mom was in town this past weekend. I love her so much! After dinner, he and I went down in his room and were just listening to music by candle light and talking, like we do sometimes ... and he kissed me! My first kiss! And his too, by the way! Wow. That was very special. We got to talking even more seriously after that, too. We asked each other anything we have ever wanted to know. We just want to be totally open and honest with one another. We even talked about getting married (God-willing), and about our future together ...


November 7, 2001

Well, today is our ONE MONTH "Anniversary". Awww. It feels way longer than that ... at this point in our relationship, I can't believe that 32 days ago, I was still totally befuddled and confused as to how he felt about me. Crazy how one's world can change after one sentence, eh?

Here I will plan out what I can write to Derek in the card I'm going to give him tonight:

My Dear Derek,

I cannot believe that today marks--"officially"--our first month. In one way it seems it has completely flown by, but in another way I find it hard to remember a time in my life, only a few months ago, when you weren't my best friend. I am so, so blessed and so thankful to have you involved in my life in such a special way. No conventional definitions of "friend" or "boyfriend" do you justice ... you are simply my precious Derek, the treasure of my heart, and God's most amazing gift to me. You are the iron that sharpens me when life makes me dull, you are the one who lifts me up when I am down, who cares for me when I am sick, and who is constantly on my mind. I appreciate so much every single moment we have spent together--laughing, crying, praying, singing ... you truly know some of the deepest parts of my heart, and I cannot imagine sharing myself in such a way with anyone other than you. From deep within my heart and soul, thank you for the past month, for everything. I am so excited for everything else that is to come. Love, Lisa

{ #22: "I like Derek" }

Age 18

August 18, '01

CHURCH GRAD

It was so very much fun! We all wore our grad clothes and went out to dinner at a little Greek restauraunt; there was about 14 of us there, plus our chaperones, Leanne and Trevor C. and Derek E. That was the night I met Dan M. and discovered that he was Kayla's cousin. We talked a little then, and I thought he was pretty cute because of how he seemed so innocent. A bunch of us went over to Kayla's and then Derek showed up and suggested that we go to the church and play a huge round of Predator (I think Derek made this game up) in the empty, dark church. That was a blast! I even won one round (I was hiding in the potted plants!). Heehee. Then we went back to Kayla's again and watched Meet the Parents before going home for the night. Fun times!

CHURCH GRAD SERVICE

The following Sunday night, they had a Sunday night service dedicated to the grads of all ages, so we got prayed for and had little encouraging messages--it was nice. Afterwards, there was cake in the Fireside Room and Dan came and sat down at our table of me and our group, Jordan, Kris, and Derek! Then Derek started organizing for all the grade 12s to come over to his acreage and have a fire. Although I already had a ride out with AnnaLee, Dan tried (and succeeded) to convince me to come in his car with him and Kayla, so I agreed. Then somehow Kayla disappeared from that car and went with Jesse instead, so it was just me and Dan in the little black mustang. We talked the whole way out and it was really good! At that point I knew I liked him. At Derek's we watched a bit of Robin Hood and then when it got dark, we all went outside and had a huge bonfire, Derek-style (gasoline, of course!). Some more talking with everyone and it was a fun time. Then, when Mom came to pick me up, Dan was like, "Lisa! I was going to drive you home!" Aw! That was such a fun night, and there was more fun to come--3 days until the MED school banquet ...

MED SCHOOL BANQUET

Oh, it was tons of fun! The food was actually superb, and it was neat to see everyone dressed up! Trevor even came (he hadn't been to church in quite a while). We all sat at our tables with our small groups, then we got called up in age groups to go on stage for our MED school certificates. We were last, since we were in grade 12, but it was fun to clap for all the younger kids. Me and Kayla whooped and hollered for every single kid so they'd all feel special. Then finally it was our turn! We went up and our names got called by Jordan K. I was first, so I walked across the little stage and went towards Jordan to shake my hand, when Derek pounced on me from the back of the stage where he was just holding certificates and being moral support. He grabbed my hand and shook it (not for the other girls, though; only guys) and gave me a wink! Heehee! Aw! When we were all done, we (gr 12s) got prayed over again, and they gave us all a new leather bible! Wow! Another great night! Only Dan wasn't there ... I asked Kayla to say hi for me, and she gave me this look, and I think she figured stuff out then, but she excitedly said she sure would say hi. Then the boys ate some toxic chemical, thinking it was helium, and we ran around with Kristy and took fun pictures! It was a great night!

BUT AS FOR ...

... the issue with Dan and what ever happened with that, well ... it did progress. We just started talking more and more, and he would offer to drive me places whenever we went out to eat after The House. Then, a few weeks later, I got his email address from Mike and me and Dan got to talking on MSN. He asked me if I'd like to go to a movie, so I said sure. He got my number then (finally!) and gave me his and called me to finalize things for that afternoon. So, it was all set ... eek!

It was a very "interesting" date, to say the least! Some parts were awful, I admit! Well, he came to pick me up at 12:45, came in and met Mom, then off we went to the theatre where I used to work. Dan paid for both of us ... $20 there. He asked me if I wanted snacks but I politely said no. But oh, wait, where's my head?! I missed the most crucial detail of the entire thing!!!! While he was parking at the theatre, he misjudged his turn into his stall and he hit this huge Ford pickup truck with his Mustang! The truck was ok (he only hit the wheel), but he totally creamed the front bumper of his dad's nice Mustang!!!! All the black paint chipped off and showed the cream-colored stuff underneath! That caused MAJOR stress for the rest of the date! I didn't want to bring up the car and make him more miserable, but I didn't want to be totally inconsiderate and talk about fluffy, ditsy stuff either! It definitely made for awkward conversation. Anyways, we made it through the movie and then he insisted on taking me out for dinner after. I ordered the same thing as him--chicken fingers and a Pepsi--just to be safe. Bad move, though, when he ate them three times as fast as me and I couldn't even use a knife and fork! Gah! When he took me home, I thanked him so much for the movie and dinner (like $40 worth!), but he stopped me and said: "No, Lisa, thank you." Then he said we'd have to do something again sometime. I don't really think I like him anymore, though ...

AND WHY'S THAT?

Well, I think I like someone else for starters. Who? I like Derek. Sometimes I could nearly swear he likes me too, and even Kristy and Amy think the same. This one night he came over for a fire at our house (for my surprise birthday get together--he left his friend's wedding reception to come to my birthday!!) and we were all talking intimately, but especially me and him, and he said he wanted to stay and watch the sun come up. Jordan and Rahul kept bugging him for a ride around 1:00 since he promised he would drive them home. He kept telling them "in a few minutes". Well, it was 3:30 when he finally left, reluctantly! He said such nice things to me that night ... even reassured me (???) that "high school boys are really immature"--as if to remind me he's not a high school boy and not immature ... ? I have no clue. He's told me things before, things like, "You are such a blessing to me," "you have such a beautiful heart." He's amazing and before I liked him, I respected and admired him and his spirit more than anyone. He was away at camp being a counsellor for the past month, and he'd write me a few emails a week--some were even 7K long! Just today, Jordan complained to me that Derek hasn't been emailing him back, but he's emailing me! It's things like that that make me wonder if he likes me. But other times, he's just so nice to everyone, and I can't tell. Oh well, there's that situation.

And now I have to stop for today.

Lisa

** please see comments section for the other exciting story that goes along with this one

{ #21: a Good Friday }

Age 18

July 9, 2001

Good Friday on April 13th was amazing! We were all in the youth choir, so we wore all black and went to sing. Afterwards, Derek asked us if we would like to all go over to his house and chill for the night. Things were really HolyGhost for me in the afternoon while I was chatting with Trevor on ICQ. Derek's house was so much fun. We watched Remember the Titans and had a huge bonfire. I loved being in the presence of close friends like that. Afterward I wrote a piece for my writing journal about that night. I emailed it to all of them after, and they loved it. Derek told me I had a beautiful heart and a terrific talent, and Trevor got all misty-eyed at MED School when he brought it up. Aw. Mike said it was "cool". At least he attempted to comment.


-------Sunday, April 15, 2001-------
A bonfire with my favorite friends, favorite souls. Things could not be more right. The pile of scrap lumber burns to a height that is most likely illegal, but who will have a gripe about it when we're miles out of the city? Tucked away from the rest of the world, we feel the bond, the love for each other, the natural brotherhood and unity and peace and security ... looking across at these friends, these brothers, of mine, I drink in their faces, glowing red with happiness and the light of the first opposite them. For long moments none of us speak. None of us even look at each other. Instead we stare curiously at the gravel beneath our feet, lost in our own thoughts. Others stare skyward in awe, pondering the constellations and the heavens somewhere beyond those stars, beyond our comprehension. I stare at the sparks spewed upward by the crackling fire. Thousands of the tiny flickers dark up faster than my eyes can follow them, and they become endless streaks of bright oranges and golds against the thick, black night sky. They take on characteristics of fireworks or even ... "Fireflies!" exclaims my friend. We all seem to read each others' hearts and minds, though we make no identifiable means of human communication. Our love ties us by our souls, through all darkness, night, and distance. In grubby shoes and old sweaters we sit, apart but yet together, in seperate but conjoined worlds of our own. All these faces ... they are my life, my lofe, my passion, my breath. Some faces so flawed, others unblemished yet hiding imperfect personalities. Imperfect, yes. Every one. Yet endless lists of their endless flaws could not turn my heart from these people. They are my kindred spirits, completing my being, determining the very song of my heart. My happiness thrives because of their happiness, because of their flushed, contented faces, and I live every day with a brighter smile because they have given me someone to love.

I also wrote another poem, an honest little reflection about Good Friday and how quickly I let its meaning fade away:

On this Good Friday, Lord,
I reflect properly,
As I feel I should
But oh, Christ,
Did you die so long ago
For me
That I might now
Truly love my self and new Adidas
Most?

{ #20: it's a sign! }

Age 17

June 8, 2001

I went to Dave's church last night to see Capstone play. It was really cool. Afterwards, Dave asked me if I needed a ride home, so I said oly if he was driving and if it was no trouble. He said "no trouble at all" and then said we would have to leave a little arly though, at 9:00. Well, 9:00 came, so we snuck out in the middle of a song and got out to his Windstar van. As we drove, we had the best talk ever ... we talked about so many things.

The craziest story was this one! When he finished telling me what his testimony was, he said, "Okay, now yours," but I didn't know how to start. What should I say--"I stalked you cuz you were hot..." ?!?! Yah right! So ... I was like ... "Do you remember last year whe a girl came up to you in the hall and told you that you made a big impact on changing your life ... ?" And he turned and looked at me wide-eyed and was like, "That was you?!?!" And I said yeah. We talked a bit more about that ad the Dave said, "There's actually more to this story than you think. Now do you want to hear MY half of it?" I looked at him quizzically ad said, "Sure."

He told me that the week I had been feeling like I should talk to him, he was really bummed out. He said he felt as if his Christian walk was growing fruitless ad he was so discouraged and everything, losing hope and starting to fail to see the point of all he did. He told me that every day that week he prayed so hard for a sign from God. He prayed to God that if there was a purpose to his faith and actions and everything, that he would get a sign. He prayed that God would demonstrate how his life was impacting others. That was his prayer. The next day at school, he was walking down the hall, and it all happened. He said this to me: "Lisa, I had never in my life see you before. You were a total stranger, and I didn't recognize you at all, from anywhere. You came up and said that stuff to me and ... I SERIOUSLY THOUGHT YOU WERE AN ANGEL." Those were hise exact words to me as he looked me straight in the eyes. AAAH! Man oh man! But aside from just talking and being happy about Dave, wow! Look at what God orchestrated there! That is THE coolest story, my absolute favorite. God is SO good and SO powerful!!

Well, my spare's over, gotta go!

Lisa

{ #19: poem for mike }

Age 17

November 1, 2000

THOSE EYES

your eyes--
fiery orbs,
beautiful, full of passion,
of life,
ardent springs trickling
love and joy and life
down your perfect face,
candy apples on high cheekbones,
their sugary coating sweet and perfect,
sticky skins unflawed by human touch.
you drink me in through those eyes,
those windows,
fireflies dancing, twinkling from within
they draw me closer
closer.
i reach out to stroke your velvet skin
softly, gently
(presumptuously?)
i crush the delicate fibres
with too-eager fingers.
the fireflies flicker and die
beneath stormy clouds.
one blink pushes me away
and instantly your eyes become cold,
dead,
blanketed by a fresh, harsh snow,
glassy and glazed in an unfamiliar way,
unfocused, uncaring
the icy film keeps you caged
(protected?
or trapped?)
you shut out your friends
you shut out your passion
you shut out your spirit
you shut out your god.
outwardly frozen
yet trembling within--
lonely eyes.

{ #18: "Do you want to be part of our chill team?" }

Age 17

September 17, 2000

We went to our new church this morning, me, Amy and Dad. I liked it ... very rocking :) I don't know how much Dad liked it, though. It's the same church that some of the BBz (Bible Boyz--that's what me and Rachel call them) go to. We didn't see Trevor but we did see Jordan and Mike. They don't have Sunday school there, though, which is a problem for Trevor (our brother). They have M.E.D. School (Making Effective Disciples, or something), on Wednesday nights at the Christian college down the street, which is getting to be really far away from our house, unfortunately. Their music was so great this morning, though, so I think no matter what church we end up going to, I'm going to go to "The House" (the youth service) on Friday nights at this new church.

September 27, 00

On Monday I was on the computer, on ICQ, and I got bored, so I checked the directory, just to see if Trevor was on. He was. Amy and Dad were downstairs and they kept telling me I should IM him. I was like "No, no, he doesn't even know me," but then I had an idea of what I could talk about, and they were like "Go! Go!", so ... before I could change my mind I double clicked on his name. EEEK! Heehee. Well, he had to authorize me first, so for my note I said: "hi, I think you go to my school and if you do, I have something to ask you." It took him FOREVER to authorize me (maybe 2 mins, lol), and then he finally did, he added me to his list and then sent me a note. He said: "What's da?" HAHAHA. He talks like a homey or something! So I told him about how I was supposed to get his email/ICQ for Julianna since she's in Brazil now. I told him I was too shy to do it at school. So, he gave me the info and said "send away!" and then he said he had to go for supper but he added "come talk to me at school sometime, I love meeting new peeps" -- yay! An invite!

September 29, 2000

Yesterday Amy and I were outside eating lunch on the grass in front of the school, and the BBz (Bible Boyz) came out by the parking lot. Me and Amy were actually kind of oblivious, so we were mainly just reading our books. Dave and Trevor took off somewhere, but Mike and Jordan came over and stood on the sidewalk right in front of us and started playing hackey sack. It started getting close to the bell, so I told Amy that I wanted to go. So, we packed up all our stuff and then started walking in. As we walked by them, Amy went up the steps to throw away her garbage, and I stopped, right in front of Mike, and was like, "Hey!"

They stopped talking and Mike looked up and was like "hey." I said "You guys go to Evangel, right?" and hwas like "Yeah, do you?" Overall, he didn't look surprised that it was me, he only looked surprised that I was finally talking to him, or something. His voice was a lot deeper than we expected, and he sounded really skaterish, at least at first. I told him that we had been going there for the past couple weeks and that we would probably switch churches.

Lisa: "So, do you ---" *going to ask about The House*
Mike: "Have you been to The House yet?"
Lisa: "I was just going to ask you about that! No ... is it any good?"
Mike: "Yeah, it's really cool. YOu should come on Friday."
Lisa: "Yeah, we were going to."
Mike: "Cool ... and do you know about MED School?"
Lisa: "Uh ... yeah, that's on Wednesday nights, right?"
Mike: "Yeah, at the Christian college."
Lisa: "Do you guys go to that?"
Mike: "Yeah, I love it."
Lisa: "Okay, cool. Yeah, we were kinda thinking about that."
Mike: "They already registered and stuff, but I'm sure they could fit you in."
Lisa: "So ... you like the church though? It's really good?"
Mike: "Yeah, I LOVE it! Man, it's like, the BEST church ... I would never switch from THIS church ... it's the best church I've ever been to ... *looks at grass* ... well, it's the ONLY church I've ever been to, but it's still great."
Lisa: "Okay, thanks, that's great. We're gonna go now, but maybe I'll see ya on Friday."
Mike: "Yeah! See ya!"

That was yesterday. Today at lunch, I saw Trevor, and I caught his attention and was like "Oh hi, I'm the girl who talked to you on ICQ," and his face lit up with recognition and he was like "OH!". Mike was standing there, too, and he jumped in and was like "Oh, YOU were the girl he had to authorize!" So they had said something about me to each other ... Then Mike kinda grabbed my attention and he was like "So, are you coming tonight?" and I was like "Yeah ... what time does it end?" and he said that they usually let us go by 10:00 or 10:30 but that people usually hang around after to talk or "have dinner". Then he started asking me if I knew who Pastor Graydon was, and I was like, "Is that the piano guy?" and he's like "No, no, NO!" and waving his arms around. It was cute. He chewed on his pen a little, then he took it out of his mouth and pointed at me with it, kinda. He's like, "Tell ya what ... you come find me tonight and I'll show you who everyone is, okay?" So I was like, "Okay!" Heehee! Yay! I'm SO excited!! Everything's going so GOOD! More later!

Lisa

October 4, 2000

Well, on Friday night, me and Amy went to The House ... there were so many people there!!! We were kinda just standing around, a bit uncomfortably, and we were trying to keep an eye out for the BBz, Mike in particular. We kept walking around as 7:30 approached, and then there's this one bench behind all these plants, and we walked by, and there was Mike, Trevor's friend Tyler, and Jordan sitting on the end of the bench. There was another guy sitting with them, too, and me and Amy shook hands with him and found out that his name was Derek (*author's note: this is the first time I ever met Derek. He was a youth leader and I was still in grade 12). Later I found out that Derek is Mike's small group leader. We hung around there for a bit and made semi-awkward small talk. Mike looked different from at school; he had his hair all done and spiked at school but now he was wearing this fuzzy Roots bucket hat--baby blue and green. Cute. I asked him if he went to YC (the Christian youth conference) last year and stuff ... and somehow he ended up talking about Trevor, and he was like, "Yeah ... Trevor came to pick up chicks and then he ended up getting saved!" and then they all laughed about that for a while. After a while, Mike just stands up and is like, "Okay, I'm gonna go find Trevor," and he just kinda trailed off and never finished his thought and by then everyone was going in ... Jordan and Tyler had taken off with Mike too ... so me and Amy had no clue if we were supposed to wait for them or if we were supposed to go in and get a seat on our own ... so we wandered in and I told Amy we should stay in that aisle cuz they'd come back in that way, so we stood near the back and "looked for a seat", hehe. Sure enough, who should come back but the boys, and Mike came up to kinda talk to us again.

Before Mike came up beside me, though, I felt this tap on my shoulder. Apparently (as explained later by Amy), Tevor reached around me and did that sneaky tap-on-the-opposite-shoulder trick, and then since she had not seen, he signalled Amy with a finger to his lips that she should be quiet. I spun around to see it was him, and he gives a little laugh like Ernie off Sesame Street--sh-sh-sh-sh--and covered his mouth with his hand. It was funny. Then Mike spoke up: "Oh, are you guys sitting back here? Oh ... well, we usually sit up front, but if you want to sit back here, you can. But we're going up there." Was that an invitation or what? I asked, "Oh, can we sit with you?" and he said, "Sure," then they all just walked away. I couldn't interpret that either. Was he just being nice? Well, we went up and sat with them in the second pew, and from left to right it was Amy, me, Trevor, Tyler, Jordan, Mike. The first thing they all did was take off their shoes. Haha! Trevor stood up and I looked at him a little quizzically and he was like, "Gotta empty out the ol' pockets" and then he took everything out of his pockets and put it in his shoes. Heehee.

The House started then, and we stood up to sing. Trevor, though, was sitting down almost the whole time, with his head down, praying so, so fervently. After a while, he just got up and jumped over the front pew and ran away, up the stairs, to the balcony. After about 5 minute he still wasn't back,so Mike got up and followed. A minute later, Jordan went up too and Tyler went with him. Me and Amy were left alone. We kept on singing and stuff, and after a while, Mike came back, and he sat right in front of me, and turned around to talk to me. I leaned forward. He whispered to me, "You two are such an encouragement to me." I was like, "Why??" and he said, "Before, I only knew, like, 4 Christians at our school, and now they're all over. You really encourage me." I was like, swept away with shock and joy! In response I said, "Really? Well, you guys have always been a huge encouragement to me ... I always saw you reading our Bibles in the library at lunch, and that had a huge impact on me." Now it was HIS turn to be shocked and joyful. He said, "Really?? I never knew anyone even noticed we did that ... " and I said, "Yeah, lots of people have, and it's awesome." "Wow," he said, "Wow."

Tyler and Jordan had since reappeared, then the 3 of them took off again for a little while. Later on, Tyler and Jordan came back and sat down, but there was still a gap between them and us. Then, out of nowhere comes Trevor,and he was in te pew in front of us, then all of a sudden he just does this FLIP over the pew and lands beside me, lying down, looking up at me. Crazy! He's like, "That was a pretty good entrance, eh?" Haha. I was just like, "Oh yeah, the best." Then he sat up and was like, "Where's Mike?" and I said, "Oh, he never came back after you guys left." And then his face brightened up as if he really kenw something, and he said: "I know! He must by in his secret prayer spot that only I know about!" Then he kind of raised his eyebrows and ran away. These boys are so crazy. haha.

Later on, Mike came back and sat beside me, and around then was when the speaker started speaking. They all came back and we were sitting in the original order, and this lady started talking about how we need to encourage each other. She told a story of a little boy who was very cute ("that's me," Trevor whispered to Tyler). Then she started talking about how bad he was, and how he grew up and found God and stuff. Tyler whispered to Trev, "That's you, man ... that's all of us." Yeah. It really was, too. Then Trev conked his head on the wooden part of the pew and it made the loudest noise, and Amy kinda snickered. Trev looked over at her and gave this sneaky little grin, then he started repeatedly whacking his head, and Tyler started doing it, too. Me and Amy couldn't help but crack up!! It was pretty amusing.

When the lady was done, everyone was supposed to walk around and hug/encourage each other. Trev came up and put his arm around me and said to me and Ame "So, did you guys like our head-banging competition?" Heehee. Then he gave me some kind of guyish hand slap and was like, "Keep it real," and walked away! Then people were sitting down, talking, singing, doing their own thing. We were sitting, watching ... Trevor is like, the most endeearing person I've ever seen. He went up, while the band was playing, and would just, like, touch themor put his arm around them and pray for them and stuff. It was really an amazing, touching thing to see. Then Mike came and sat beside me and it was just Amy, me, then Mike, with Jordan in the pew in front of us, turned around, listening quietly. Mike started talking to me about all this stuff! We sat for like, 45 minutes and talked quietly, the two of us. At certain times, he referred to Jordan as if he wasn't even there. He told me his testimony and how Trevor used to be a jerk and all this stuff. It was so NICE, just talking to him, and I felt as if I could talk to him for the rest of the night. Finally he told us we should probably call for a ride because people were gonna start leaving soon. So, he showed us to the phone and we called.

Then, Trevor came up to me and Amy and he's like, "Are you two related?" and in unison, we're like, "We're sisters!" and then he's like "Aaah," and he puts his arm around Tyler's neck and he's like, "Us, too, we're sisters, too." Haha! It was pretty funny. After, Mike introduced us to Kristy (**author's note: she was my bridesmaid years later!). He points to Amy and he's like, "This is Ashley ... (?)" and she's like, "Amy," and he's like, "Oh, sorry!'. And then he points to me and he's like, "I'm sorry, I have no clue what your name is ... " so I told him and Kristy my name. Haha. What a twit. Oh well.

Then Mike looked at me and he's like, "Hey ... do you want to be part of our chill team?" and I was like, "Chill team?" (I had no clue what he meant), and he's like "Yeah, just ... the group of us that ... chill". Then I realized what he meant. HANG WITH THEM! At lunch! YAAY! I told him that that would be awesome.

What a night!!!!

Lisa

{ #17: growing pains }

Age 17

August 30, 2000

I want to be grown up so badly. I wish I had more freedom and independence--I wish I could drive, I wish I could have a car. I wish I could go out when I wanted and do things spontaneously like go pick up a good friend and drive to some tiny bakery, buy buns, and go eat them down in the artsy district. People dream of having a special relationship with their boyfriend--I do--but I wish I could have that special, sparkling relationship with my normal friends too, you know? That we could have special moments and everything ... I dunno, I wish there could be some sort of evident PROOF that we've grown up, you know? I mean, it's nice to sit around at someone's house and giggle a little, but why can't we ever GO anywhere? And I don't mean somewhere expensive, just anywhere. I look so forward to University, but then when I realy stop and wonder about it all, trying to figure out what it is that I actually look forward to, it's a change ... but I've already kind of had a change in school and friends, so what could change? Me. But a change in me requires a change in my life and everything ... but living at home, not driving, not cooking ... how much really could change? Not much. I wish I was rich and confident and could live in a dorm or something. I want to get my driver's license while I'm still in high school, or I'll have NO pressure to do it and I'll never do it.

Karel moved away today, early this morning. She moved to Pennsylvania to go to college. I imagine maybe it's because of her that I start thinkinga bout all this so much. It's like, a lifestyle and a way of life ... my friends right now live the kind of life that I wish I had ... and ALL the people I'm envious of? It's mostly ALL of my Chinese friends. So is it just cultural or what? I'm not sure. Rebecca, Amanda, Jackson, Cecilia, Stacey ... they have all their cute litle stuff, their pretty little trinkets, their little Asian talk ... "I wuf you". They call the older Chinese boys their "big brothers" and everything. Is it babyish or what? Them with their Asian Avenue pages and ICQ and Chinese Church and tight-knit society ... I think it's the subculture that I envy because it's somewhere to belong and somewhere where you fit because of one common trait. The only one I've ever been in is the one on the internet, and I don't WANT that anymore because I want to feel comforted by REAL people for once. Even being in the play was a subculture that was a pain but was readily welcomed as long as I could pry myself out of my shell ... but it won't be the same this year without Isaac :( Ravers all have each other, the different ethnic groups have each other, the "pretty, popular girls" like Kayla and Beth all have each other. Who do I have? No one. I can't even be in with the smart kids anymore. I don't really know WHAT I want, I just want to be a "normal" teenager who has friends and who nearly loves THEM more than anything. I DON'T have friends, and the ones I have, I don't LOVE them that much. I'm 17 now. I wish I felt that old. I really want to.

Well, tomorrow I go to register for all my grade twelve stuff. I have to get my pic taken--ugh. And I already reserved two lockers (1 for me, 1 for Rachel) in the library hall, so I don't have to worry about that. Whew. More tomorrow.

Lisa

{ #16: a crime at home }

Age 16

June 13, 2000

OUR HOUSE GOT ROBBED.

Holy cow, it all seemed very ... unreal. Mom left for work this morning at around 10:30 am, and Dad got home at about 2:15 pm. When he did, the back door was wide open and everything, so he called the police and called Mom to come home and everything.

Okay, here's what had happened: The robber climbed up the next door neighbor's garbage chute, climbed over the chain link fence, then came into our back yard. He kicked in the garage door and went into the garage ... finding (probably) that there was no door attaching the garage to the house. So, he took Dad's pick-axe (!!!) and tried to chop a hole in the wall to break through and get into our kitchen. The wall, however, was a lot thicker than he had expected, and he couldn't get through it. So, then, still persistant, he moved the barbeque underneath the kitchen window and tried to pry out the window. He cracked it but couldn't get it out, so he moved on to the window at the back of the living room (on the upper deck). Oh actually, before trying to get in the windows, he tried to kick in the back door, but the deadbolt was on, and he only cracked and bent the door, but couldn't open it. He left huge, muddy footprints on the door ... like, men's size 12-15, I'd say. After, that's when he moved on to the windows. He finally got in at the living room window ... he removed the glass, put it on the deck, slit the screen, and crawled in the window. He left muddy shoe prints all over the nice pink carpet and under the windows, all over the wall!

First he went upstairs ... to Mom and Dad's room. He emptied a bunch of the drawers onto their bed and took Mom's least important jewelry box (with only tacky, gaudy costume jewelry in it!). He went under their bed, through their closet a little, and left mud on their rug and on some of their clothes, which he trampled. He left nice watches and a bunch of other stuff (Mom's wedding rings) alone. Weird.

Next he came into my room, which he kinds of ransacked. ALL my drawers were opened and rooted through ... all my papers (thousands of papers!) were strewn about. Everything in my closet was pulled out and dumped on the floor. My jewelry box was open, but he didn't take anything. He looked through my coin jar, but it only had a bit of loose change in it, so he threw it all on my ed. He left all the expensive gold jewelry that was in my sock drawer, and he left my laptop, which was sitting in the middle of the room. After EVERYTHING, all he took from my room was the $20 that I had on my desk from babysitting. He didn't bother going in Trevor or Amy's rooms (my room was probably too dissatisfactory--all stationery, hehe) ... but he scuffed the hardwood floor in the hallway with his boots.

Then he went to the basement. He took the N64 and all the games for it, and all the Playstation games (but not the console). He also took the N64 controllers which were clearly labelled with our last name. Trevor's pretty miffed, to say the least.

And that's all he actually took after all of that. Grr. The police officer that came out was very nice, and he figured that it was a teenager. I'd agree with that.

Then another guy came out and fingerprinted some stuff, but nothing came up. Sigh. You know what the scariest part is, though? Amy felt sick last night and she could have stayed home today by herself while Mom and Dad were at work. Yikes.

So, yeah, today was quite a day! Whew!

Well, tomorrow I have a math test and a Bio fieldtrip (yay!), so I'm gonna go.

Lisa

{ #15: my gutsy move }

Age 16

June 9, 2000

I have good news! Aiee!!!! I DID IT! I talked to Dave about all that I had to say to him ... man, I felt so sick all morning, I was so nervous!! I was talking to Julie during Bio and trying to get her advice and stuff ...So, I planned to go at lunch and sit with Julie at her locker (I wasn't gonna eat, though; I was too nervous) and then maybe I could catch Dave as he was going into the library. So, we're sitting, waiting, and then finally, when I'm least prepared, up walks Dave, his blue cap on backwards, holding his Bible, wearing light blue scrub pants and a gray t-shirt. So he's walking ... walking ... walking by ... I freaked out and considered NOT doing it, but then before I could change my mind and regret not having done it, I called out to him ...

"Dave!" I said. He spun around and looked to see who was calling. "Can I talk to you for a minute?" I asked, semi-meekly, as I stood up.

"Ooooookay," he drawled slowly, unsurely. I could tell he did not have any clue who I was.

"I don't know if you know who I am," I explained. I could see his eyes scanning for any sort of recognition ... none. "My name's Lisa," I added quickly. He nodded, as if to say I'm listening. I said something like this:

"I realize you and your friends do Bible studies in the library at lunch ... *he nods*, and ... well, I guess that really had a big impact on my life ... I guess a while back my life was really mixed up and at that point, that's when I took notice of what you were doing and it really caused a big change in me ... I mean, I've grown up in a Christian home, but it never really meant much to me ... and then I saw you guys, doing that on your own time, and it changed me so much ... "

He looked ... shocked. His eyes opened really big and he smiled. "Really?" he said.

"Yeah," I continued, "So, I just ... I just wanted to let you know what you did for me, because I know if that was me, I'd find it encouraging, and I just really wanted to have the chance to share that with you."

"Yeah, thanks!" he said. I could tell he kind of wanted to go.

"If you ever rell like you want to join us or anything, you know, feel free," he offered.

"All right, thanks," I said. Then with another polite smile, he left.

As I was talking to him, I looked him straight in the eyes the whole time. His eyes are such a neat color ... I guess most people would say they were hazel, but they were just really, really light brown. And he didn't say much, he had a small smile on his face, but his eyes were all lit up and I hope he was excited about what I told him.

After he left, I went back and sat with Julianna and cried a little from being so relieved at getting that over with. After school I also talked to Jackson and he was excited that I did it. He also pointed out what a strange coincidence it is that his name is Dave--like Dave Moffatt. I've thought about the irony of that before, too. One Dave put me into my pit, the other pulled me out.

Well, that's my day so far! Whew! I'm so tired! Plus tonight is babysitting! Buh-bye!

Lisa

{ #14: unsent letter to Dave }

Age 16

May 23, 2000

Dear Dave,

You have no idea who I am. Perhaps you would recognize me by face from around school, but we have never met. You, however, are not such a total stranger to me. I know quite a lot about you, just from having heard things from friends and people that know you.

It may seem bizarre for me to be writing this to you, a total "stranger", but this is something that is heavy on my heart for me to do.

A week and a half ago, my life was changed. Wednesday, May 10 is a day I will never forget. My relationship with God was permanently changed because of an encounter I had in the back study room of the library at noon hour.

I have been to church all my life, and have been an on-and-off Christian ... meaning, basically, that I called myself a Christian, but didn't practice what I preached. I wasn't "bad", by any means, but I was too unmotivated to fully open my heart to God ... this bothered me even more, but still no change. So I lost track of all my priorities and went for days, weeks, without talking to, or even remembering, God.

April 7-9, 2000: YC, the Christian Youth Conference. You were there, too ... who could forget the electric buzz of that crowd! Who could forget the way God touched everyone there. Myself included.

I found God again. I even found my way, tearily making my way up to the front during the altar call, shaking nervously and excitedly, joyous inside for having put myself back "on track". That weekend I praised, I stood boldly for God (amidst thousands of others), I made commitments and vowed never to forget Him again.

The following week I was still coasting on a spiritual buzz ... 2 weeks later? No. I was falling back into the same old habits ... I proudly spoke of going to YC but nevereven remembered God before bed or before I ate. I found excuses to skip church.

The entire situation seemed hopeless. My life was a burden to me, I was mopey and self-pitying and unhappy. Yet still I felt I could make it on my own, keep my heart closed and rely on trusting myself.

I know how deluded my thinking was, but I felt like a lost cause when it came to being a Christian. I had no dedication ... that is what it all boiled down to.

I told my friends (Christians, themselves) about how I felt, and they uttered familiar, uncomforting scriptures and offered to pray. I was thankful, but didn't think there was much hope for me.

I wore my brand new WWJD bracelet with hypocracy ... where was Jesus in my life? I continued to stumble along.

Meanwhile, I had started seeing you around the halls more often with a new friend of yours ... his locker was not far from mine. Trevor, I later found out his name was. I like your haircut and mentioned it to a grade 10 classmate of mine (I'm a year older, grade 11 right now), thinking she might know you. She didn't know you by name, but when I described you, she figured it out; she also knew Trevor from a few classes. Through my Bio classes with this girl, I found out a lot of things ... about everything. She became a good friend.

She told me she knew a few more things about you, merely from observation. She said you seemed to be discipling Trevor, a new Christian (that's what I had guessed by the new cross), or doing Bible studies in the library at lunch time. I was ... speechless. That is not an extremely common occurance, and it impressed me and made me more curious. But my friend jumped to say that she wasn't positive about any of this, that she had just noticed a few things, so we didn't talk about it that often. But I kept it tucked in the corner of my mind, where it nagged at me and got me thinking. I repeatedly silenced that nudging voice.

One day my Bio friend and I both had some studying to do at lunch, so we decided to go to the library together. When we got there, the main room was full, so we went into the back. There were few seats left, so we sat down at the table behind you, the brunette boy with "bedhead"; I had noticed your immediately. You were listening to your headphones and reading something ... I couldn't tell what it was from where I was sitting.

After a short while, you shifted in your chair and then I could see. I adit I was watching you ... after all that time of being curious, I wanted to know if it was a Bible.

It was.

Now more wonderous than ever, I watched you for the next few moments. On you read, sometimes jotting something in a small spiral book, sometimes flipping through it.

I couldn't tear my gaze away. I was utterly intrigued. Flabbergasted. Amazed. Impressed.

Here I was, taking my eternal life for granted, bragging about my Christianity when I barely lived up to the title. Flaunting things I never had.

There you were, on your lunch hour, your spare time--most people are with friends or out driving ... doing what they want--and you were perched on your chair, spending yourtime with God. Giving a little back. Obviously doing it for yourself, not to impress friends or flaunt your Bible study.

That is faith. That is devotion.

That is all I had wanted, NEEDED, all along. Years of searching and experimenting and questioning hadn't done it for me. Neither had nagging friends or redundant speakers. Not even that 15,000 teens at YC, not even Miles McPherson, as good a speaker as he was, had been enough to slap me, open my eyes, to CHANGE me.

Here, in the back room of my high school library, was a guy who was a shining example of faith, of WWJD, of everything had been searching out so fervently, so desperately.

You sat there, Dave, totally oblivious to who I was, privately seeking out the right things. As I watched you, everything made sense, everything hit me so quickly. Everything I was lacking I could now see so clearly, reflected in you. You were the example of what I had wanted to be all along ... and before that day there was nowhere else that I could have found it all.

It was such a beautiful thing to see you there, totally devoted, giving some love BACK to God. And, right there, in the middle of the library, I started crying.

I just wanted to be like you SO badly and now I was willing to take the leap, to let God into my life TOTALLY, to start putting something back into our relationship. I was ready to change.

I left the library with a new heart that day. I went home after school and read my Bible and prayed ... I don't think I had EVER read my Bible two days in a row before, and now I have been reading it daily ever since. This time I'm NOT going back. This time is for real.

I realize it was GOD who changed me, not you, but I still feel like I owe a special part of that to you, and if nothing else, I wanted to be able to tell you how much difference you can make in ONE life (and more!) without realizing it, without even trying to.

It is obvious that you love God, Dave, and that is what sticks out about you. Even if a person can't quite put their finger on it, they WILL see a difference, and you have proved that the most powerful testimony is to LIVE the life ... not to show it off, but to live it for yourself, authentically. That is what people will be curious about, that is what will be evident to everyone.

I think of you every day and pray that somehow God will bring us together so I have the chance to talk to you. Daily I pray that if it is His will, that somehow we will meet. If not, I wanted you to hear my story anyways; that is why I am writing you this letter ... if I haven't met you by the time I graduate next year, I will find a way to give this letter to you.

I'm too shy to simply walk up to you in the hall ... but I know if I'm supposed to cross paths with you, it will happen.

No matter what happens, Dave, thank you, and I wish you all the best. Keep your eyes on God and everything else will fall into place!

In Christ,

Lisa

{ #13: turning point }

Age 16

Monday, May 8, 2000

I'm sitting here and it's lunch right now. Everyone else decided to go outside, but that's okay. I ate with Brian today, mostly. Other people were around, too, but I mostly talked to him. We started emailing again over the weekend since he actually does have a computer now. Hmm ... I really do WANT to get to know him again, to talk to him again. But I DON'T want to fall in love with him again, or even have the slightest crush on him. Then things get way too messy, too complicated. Just friends. This should be interesting, though. We'll see how things go.

Aaah, I saw Dave O. in the halls TWICE this lunch hour. He's the guy a year younger than me, in grade ten, that I've been telling Julianna about during Bio (and she's the one who found out his name from another one of her friends). He's wearing a navy blue touque and I didn't know it was him at first ... I guessed it was him cuz of the guy he was with and the shoes he was wearing (Adidas Superstars!). Aw, he's so cute. Okay, I do have a crush--him. But I don't actually *know* him... Oh well, I'll keep trying to see if I can bump into him sometime.

Hmm, lunch is almost over and that will mean back to Chem for me (theres the bell) *groan*

Eek, I'm in Chem now and I saw Dave again on the way!

Anyways, gotta go!

Lisa

May 10, 2000

Well, I've been doing a lot of thinking today, I guess. Well, first class was math, and for the rest of the morning, I had double Bio (since it's Wednesday), and I talked a LOT with Julianna. We even stayed in during our break and just sat in the class talking to each other ... what do we talk about? Lots of things ... mostly about our friends and our crushes :) She likes this younger guy named Nathaniel, and I tell her about Dave and everything. She's such a great listener and she ALWAYS humors me. Haha.

Okay, right now I'm going to take a break and write about Dave O cuz I'll probably mention him a lot from now on ...

Okay, Dave O. is in grade 10 ... he was dating Becca L. for two and a half years, but they broke up at Y.C. (the Christian Youth Conference last month). Why? Rumor has it that one of the speakers really touched both of them, and then they told each other that they felt like God wanted them to break up and spend time apart. AW. So yeah, he tells her all that and everything, and then he told her that when he decides to start dating again, she'll be the first girl he calls. Isn't that so sweet? Hmm, what else? How does he look? He has a bedhead kind of hairdo, dark brown hair, about 5'6" or 5'7", skinny, wears rolled up dark jeans and lotsa hoodies (black today, hehe). Right now he's trying to grow a goatee (ick!). Ooh, I know more. His locker is B187 (I think). I dunno what church he goes to, and NO ONE seems to know him!

Okay, anyways, what else? Okay, he has this friend, Trevor (grade 10 also--Julianna knows him from Math and Foods). He's really cool looking, too. Tall, skinny, blonde, wears this cute cap,, artsy square glasses, a pounded nail cross with red wire, straight-legged jeans. Anyhoo, this guy JUST became a Christian at YC and I think Dave is kind of ... decipling him (?) Julianna told me this a few days ago and I asked her how she knew and she said it was because every lunch hour she sees him and Trevor going into the library with bibles. Aw! Cute. Um, yeah, that's what I've learned about Dave. Not bad, eh?

Well, today, me and Julianna decided to go to the library at lunch. I have a Chem test tomorrow, and I had to study for it, so she said she'd come with me to study for her music theory test she has on Saturday. Well, lunch time came, so I told her we could eat quickly with our own friends and then we would go to the library. So, I ate with Becca and Jackson, then Julianna came to get me so we went back to my locker so I could get my books, then off we went. Yes, I admit, we were also simultaneously looking for Dave and Trevor cuz I was curious about what they would be doing. They weren't in the main room (as Julianna had predicted), so we went back into the study room and sure enough, one dark, bed-headed boy was sitting at a table alone, wearing big headphones and reading something. The only free space for me and Jules to sit was at the table right behind him. Then, she let me sit down facing him (well, facing his back--she was sitting diagonally back-to-back with him). We opened our books but I couldn't start studying because I was really curious to see what he was reading ... to see if he was reading a Bible like Jules had told me that once. I didn't think he was, but I wasn't sure what he was doing. He was listening to music and had a yellow highlighter and a notebookk and the *thing* he was reading. And I couldn't see around him. Julianna kept looking up to see me watching him and she kept tsk-ing me to get back to work. Haha. Since you can't talk back there, we passed a note back and forth for a while. Eventually I got tired of watching the back of his reading head, so I started studying. After a while, though, in walked two guys, one with a bible, the other with the "Jesus Freak" book from YC. Then, in came Trevor, carrying a big fat student Bible. It was ... it was kind of ... I dunno, it felt so eerie to see them come in, because we had been expecting it in a way. It's kind of almost like deja vu ... like it was familiar to see that. Kinda ... weird, creepy, to think that Dave was just sitting there, not knowing we knew ANYTHING about him, not knowing his friends (of which we know one of their names) were going to show up, and WHY. It's interesting, but at the same time ... I ws so curious about what they were going to do. Read silently? Have a whole mini Bible study? I watched on. They didn't talk a whole lot. They looked at some CDs. Dave showed them something he had written on a piece of paper. I couldn't really tell much else of what they were doing.

But, as I watched them, as I watched him, it made me cry. He had SUCH a spark for God ... even Trevor, who just found Christ less than a month ago. And me, "knowing" God my whole life, never reads my bible, and here is Dave, doing it at lunch hour, on his own free time, every day, not only on Sundays at church ... I WANT THAT. I do. Not to immerse myself in some kind of subculture ... I want reality. I want God, I want truth, and I want to live what I preach, what I believe. I don't know anything about the Bible anymore ... I forgot what Passover was when everyone in my English class turned to me for the answer. Why do I believe this if I don't even KNOW what I believe?! I want to be closer to God and to know who He is. I don't want to be so selfish and obsessed with dumb things, either, like the Moffatts. They can still be my favorite band, but that's all they are ... a BAND. I want to be fervent about my love for God, and I want to smile because I'm not hollow inside. Dave is a beautiful, attractive person to me not because he's cute or has neat clothes, but because there's something about him. He loves God ... and not loudly, not obnoxiously. He spends quiet time by himself, not flaunting his Bible; he obviously does it for different reasons ... for himself.

I want that desire. I could be the same as him.

So much to think about.

Wow, here's the song that just came on my stereo. How appropriate!!

King of Love
by delirious

King of love, you've called my name
You gave me life although the shame
Had covered me, you took my hand
And here I stand; I'm saved by grace

Father God, you heard the prayer
From deep within, my spirit cried:
"If there's a God, come rescue me"
Now here I stand, I'm saved by grace

I will thank you for saving my soul
For you've shown me the truth in your word
I will take up my cross and follow you
Now I live for the glory of God

Now we turn to walk away
From selfishness, the pride and hate
And when we pass through stony ground
We'll gladly walk upon our knees

So we cry out: "Come change us, Lord,
Into a church that loves your word"
We will return to knowing you
With joy we'll walk beneath the cross.

We will thank you for saving our souls
For you've shown us the truth in your word
We will take up the cross and follow you
Now we live for the glory of God.



-Lisa

{ #12: breaking point }

Age 16

december seventh, nineteen ninety-nine

all i want to do is write. it is all i want to do and i don't know why i can't do it. everyone around me seems to be going places with their writing, finishing poems, short stories, novels, even. i have been writing far longer than any of them and still i am the one left in the dust. why can't i get anything accomplished lately, darnit?!

i went to this webpage the other day, this one girl's personal writing page, and it was beautiful. however, she wasn't updating anymore and had a note up on her splash. it explained how she had just gotten home from camp and no matter what she did, she only wanted to write. in everything she did, she only wanted to sit and write, write poems, stories, write anything. i seem to have that feeling but just can't write. is it because i'm blocked or because deep down i don't have enough motivation? i'm not sure. is it the moffatts? rather than write i listen to mp3s and work on my moffatt websites. i want to keep all that too, but i have to cut back. that is the conclusion i have reached. in everything i do lately, i only think of karel. i can be at home, on the net, in school, or lying in bed, but she is constantly on my mind. i'm so ... proud of her! however, at the same time, hearing about how much she has accomplished with her writing makes me feel so ... sad. not jealous or mad or anything, just ... sad. i had almost forgotten about my writing until i met her ... then we became such close friends so quickly and just having her as my friend made me want to be motivated too. i wanted to have a novel to call my own. to have a web page for ME, one that i honestly loved because it was 100% me, whatever i wanted, not trendy html or forced online journal entries. and still, kar never ceases to amaze me. and in such a short time i am able to call her, someone i may never meet, my best friend, but other than amy and kara, she really is. my "friends" are so ... weird. i just can't stand being with them ... even now i'm sitting in the corner writing this at lunch hour while they all sit in a circle talking amongst themselves. i don't feel self-pitying or anything; in fact, almost the oppostive. the serenity is nice. maybe i've become more secure now so that i doon't feel the need to be constantly surrounded by others. however, sometimes they look hurt ... by me. i don't want to hurt them, but i'm changing, and i need my space. maybe they are finally understanding it. it's ... nice. i don't feel lonely.

and look at me, i'm writing and i'm writing just ... because. and my pen hasn't stopped moving and my hand is sore and cramped and it is ... wonderful and deep down i think of other things to write about. about my two characters named Jacqueline Ruth Cooke and Aeden Potter, and the moffatts and the internet haven't crossed my mind since i mentioned them back at the start of paragraph two. i'm writing :) but the big test is when i get home. it's the internet or my writing desk, and the computer will win out. i feel the need to feed my habit and i know exactly what i'll do. i'll try to rationalize it to myself by saying i'll start typing my novel, when i know perfectly well that i hate typing my stories directly.

but i know what i have to do. i have to finish my new layout for my "freedom" page and put it up. it says "sacrifice our lives" ... "freedom" (a line from a song) on the top bar. originally it was sorta suppose to elude to how the moffatts sacrifice their lives for us, the fans. however, now that i think about it, they don't. they really don't ... they're doing what they want to be doing. it's US, people like me and sushi and melia who seem to sacrifice our lives, our hopes, our dreams ... why? to *worship* the offatts? "freedom" will change layouts and i will leave a note. not a closing note, but one to let people know how i feel. my page will NOT be updated every day. it will be updated when *I* want to update it. i want it to be my writing first. my life first. then my webpages and the computer. and if i play, i'll do it for ME, not for the fans or for the moffatts or for my friends.

and now that i'm done my self-motivation speech, heh, i sit here and realize how IMMATURE my friends are. i hate to sound high and mighty madame maturity but ... erg! i can't stand them. plus they insult me, belittle me, think my writing is a waste of time, and insist on my listening to them when they never listen to me.

and now i'm distancing myself from them. i feel better and i can tell that they are hurt or annoyed and right now what does justin say because i'm busy already and refuse to entertain him cuz he's bored? "lisa's in a bad mood." no, justin, i just don't want to talk to you because you and everybody else is are driving me crazy big time, and oh, here he comes trying to read over my shoulder, and oh, now here's rebecca. and they're talking about me:

j: "she's in a bad mood. she won't talk to you."
r: "we should ban her from writing."
j: "yeah, let's steal her pen."

yeah, really funny you guys. sometimes i just can't stand any of them. okay, you've already told me like 50 times that my writing is a waste of time; now leave me alone!

maybe i'll take up eating by myself (oh, they're talking about me again). they aren't even friends to me anymore! why is everything so different? because i grew up and they didn't. because i know what i want and am willing to do stuff to reach the goals i've set. because i have better things to do than to sit around and make fun of my "friends". so i want to say goodbye. but how? the harder i work to drift, the harder they pull me back. then they whine about how they "need me" and call me "best friend". then why do they treat me like crap? it's like the abuse cycle or something ... meanness and then a honeymoon period. repeat. and can't they tell that they hurt me? they say i look depressed--get the hint already!

lunch is over, gotta go.

lisa


February 15, 2000

Me and Becca went out for lunch on Saturday cuz I needed someone to talk to. And, wel, I talked. I told her about EVERYTHING ... Marion, Melissa, Karel, Amelia, Sushi, all the bad stuff that happens underneath (the backstabbing, fights, even girls who write erotica), music pride vs boppers. Oh, and you know what hit me so hard? Becca remembered that Mation was the "old one" (she's 20)... I told her that ONCE, on Christmas Break! That made me smile. Aw. I love Rebecca. But yeah, I talked and she listened ... REALLY listened, too, not just nodding and faking. That doesn't happen a lot.

I told her how I've lost my priorities, how I've stopped caring about the 3 most important things in my life:
1) God
2) My friends/family
3) My writing

I told her how Dave Moffatt became an idol to me, and EVERYTHING. How I lost my values, mostly. How I missed my innocence, how sad I had become, how no one really knows who I am. The person they think they're friends with is only a fragment of me; are they really friends with me?

She was shocked to hear it all, to hear how many problems and how much confusion I hide, how many problems my online friends have and how they would commit suicide if anything happened to the Moffatts. She gaped at that; she even said "I never knew this type of thing even existed. I thought you were just a fan. I didn't know there could be so much more." So yes, she was shocked, but she took it all in stride, like I knew she would. I really do love her. Why can she understand so well? I can barely understand it all myself sometimes!

So ... we talked. She understands me, says she's praying for my situation, and I feel better. We've reached a new phase as friends. But we are still close, she is still my closest friend (especially at school). I'm so glad to know her; I'm so glad she never changes.

I told Karel all this an hour ago online. She's very happy for me. Aw. I love her so much too.

Gotta go,
Lisa

02.22.00

I keep getting caught up wallowing in self-pity. I'm in math right now and I'm feeling generally miserable--things just aren't getting any better lately. I always feel so down about everything--and I don't know how to get rid of it all. Is the problem the computer? Partly? Not at all? I'm not sure. None of my friends really understand--except karel, and she tells me that I have to decide for myself--which I do--but I'm just confused all the time. About what? Well, should I close my pages, what is Sarah to me, how can I talk to Karel and Amelia if I leave the MOC (Moffatt Online Community) for good?

New big fight: Karel got caught in the middle. I'm trying not to. Crystal and Marion are beating Amelia up over things they're also guilty of ... ugh. It's all so complex and I hate it all.

I wish someone would just tell me what to do :( I need to scream here: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Okay, what do I want?

1) Find God again (2) Write (3) Don't lose Karel (4) Be good with Becca (5) Don't ignore Amy and Kara (6) SMILE again

My problem is all I want to be is other people. I want Karel's motivation, Dave's optimism, Marion's graphic design talents, and Amelia's ... Amelia-ness. I want Becca's boyfriend (not literally), Kim N's grades, Jennie's overall wit, Olivia's Godliness. I suppose I almost forget who I am ... but are those healthy goals or am I nothing more than a wannabe? I dunno. And I dunno who can answer all these questions, either. The right answer might be God, but I need someone human, too.

I have to try and discipline myself to get off the computer--I always end up staying on even when I don't really want to *sigh* Maybe it's this lack of controll that has me down--whatever the case, I'm feeling better now, so that's good. When I get home I'll do my computer thing for half and hour, then I'll go up to my room and write my play with my new pens. Just prioritize and plan and it'll be all good.

Ciao for now.

Lis

02.22.00: 9:00 PM

I talked to Sheryl, Amelia, Marion, and Susheela after school on AIM. I reached the conclusion that I have to close my page to go on living my life. I know I have to do it. I'm putting up a note explaining (confessing) everything. Here is a rough copy of it:

     I used to smile for me.
     Now I smile because it has become some sort of catchphrase I love--
     "SMILE!"
     I realize why I cling to Dave so much--his smile, his wit, his overall optimistic demeanor--that was me. Until October or so.
     I got caught up in all the wrong things in life. Worshipping four singers, writing letters to them instead of praying to the real God I needed but had rejected so harshly--all for those four beautiful brunettes.
     I used to go to bed dreaming of seeing my name on bookshelves worldwide. Then I went to bed dreaming of tourbuses and Dave's bright eyes.
     Gradually I stopped smiling altogether--I had gotten caught up in a nasty online fight and got really sad about it all. None of my "real" friends cared or understood; in fact, they laughed in my face as tears coursed down my cheeks over how much I had been hurt by the people in the MOC--Moffatt Online Community. So, I pulled back from reality even more. I have now developed a serious internet addiction.
     No.
     Definitely no more smiles.
     Then ...
     I met Karel. We were instant best friends. She understood--she was practically me! She made me realize, through her own incredible talent, that I had been neglecting my friends, my family, myself and my writing, all to idolize four strangers. I resolved to change and she tried to help me.
     It didn't work. I wouldn't let myself pull away.
     I got into another online fight. I lost it. I almost did things I would have regretted. All this garbage had gotten the best of me again.
     I still kept on trucking, burying myself further into David Michael William Moffatt. I hadn't written in months, literally.
     I pushed it all back until recently. I realized I can't keep living like this--without God, without friends, without dreams and goals of my own.
     I kept telling myself I could handle it all, so I kept the page--I made a new layout and convinced myself that I loved it, that I could be strong like my other online friends. They all had nice pages AND lives, why couldn't I?
     No, Lisa. No.
     I have to start new. I have to get back to youth group on Friday nights rather than sitting home alone listening to MP3s.
     I need to write again.
     I know I won't be able to control myself until my page is gone.
     I need to be ME.
     I need to SMILE.
     I need to find reasons about life to smile--other than the fact that deep down I feel like I somehow owe it to Dave Moffatt.
     It breaks my heart to see that I'm wasting my life with something that brings me no pleasure.
     It breaks my hear tto see my friends argue and fight and be torn apart by something so ... insignificant.
     SMILE, alll of you. Not for Dave, for me.
     For yourself.

     IF I come back, it will be when I'm ready.
     If not, I have no regrets. You are all great, thank you for everything.
     Karel, Amelia, Susheela, Sheryl, Marion, Crystal, Melissa--thank you for being such a big part of myself. Please don't hurt yourselves or each other.

Love always,
Lisa

{ #11: the obsession grows }

Age 16

August 5, 1999

Well, our webpage, W.A.R.M. (White and Red Moff-fans) for Canadian Moffatts fans was officially open on July 30. As of today, we have 54 members, 3 presidents (me, Amy, Kara), and 198 hits. You could say I'm happy :)

Jennie leaves for Ontario tomorrow and is gone till the 28th or something. That means our zine's production is once again put on hold! It doesn't even have a name yet!!

I went and saw The Blair Witch project yesterday. It was creepy. I was so scared afterwards, but it didn't really linger.

Mom and Dad are getting so mad at me because I'm always on the net. But without it I have nothing to do ... :(

Tomorrow I am going to Justin's to watch a bunch of movies. Then a bunch of us might have a sleepover after. I might go to a BBQ with Bryan and Tamara on August 8. I want to get together with them yet I kind of don't. It's odd.

I wish I could meet Dave Moffatt
I wish I could meet Dave Moffatt
I wish I could meet Dave Moffatt
Maybe if I say it enough it will come true ... sigh.

Today was my last orthodontist appointment ever! Finally! I thought he'd give me a bag of candy or something, but all I got was a bag with my toothbrush and scuzzy dental models in it. Cheapo.

I'm so Moffatt crazed right now. They're coming back next summer. I'm so happy. I took this online quiz, and I'm 66% Moffatt obsessed. Sigh.

Well, bye.

Lisa

Over the next three months, most of my journal entries are about two things: The Moffatts and my internet relationships concerning them. I became quite a big webbie in the Moffatts field. There came to be what was deemed the M.O.C (Moffatt Online Community), which was a cluster of the dozen or so "coolest" Moffatt webpages. I was in that little circle. All of us webmasters became friends through email and chatting (and sometimes talking long distance on the phone or writing handwritten letters to one another). However, our circle of friendship was also very competetive and jealous towards one another, and thus it became very disfunctional at the end. Since many of us had invested most of our lives into our webpages and our online friendships, the fights led to depression in some of us (myself included). Most of the names I mention for the next many entries are the names of my online friends: Amelia, Susheela (Sushi), Karel, Marion, Crystal, Heather, Melissa. At a time when my real friends in life deserted me, this online world brought me comfort. However, when I started realizing that I was actually addicted to the internet, that my parents and real-life friends were mad at me, and that these online friends couldn't really support me, I became very depressed for a time.

November 28, 1999

I'm at rehearsal right now. I'm a fairy for Midsummer Night's Dream. Not the best role. Ah well. We open Tuesday and it'll be done by Christmas holidays at the latest.

So much has changed since my last entry. The night I wrote that, marion sent me a really nasty letter calling me a hypocrite and all this stuff and I was so upset that I was literally shaking and crying but was luckily home alone at the time. Five days later, I couldn't take it anymore, so I wrote a letter trying to make things up, and they've gotten a lot better since.

As for her sister, who was writing mean stuff about me on her page, I signed her gbook and we made up too.

Karel. She is my ... my clone or something, I swear. She mailed me a 63K letter yesterday! We are starting up Scripted Eloquence, a Moffic site and she is changing around the Fallen Stars trilogy and submitting it for publication. We've epals and penpals and talk on AIM and I love her so much. She is both a dear friend and a role model.

And Susheela. We talk every day on AIM and she is so mature, like my counsellor. I love her so much too. Last Saturday we started a stie called "Our Story" for the fans to talk everything out about all the crap that has happened like the fads of music pride, the fighting, the closing of sites, and everything. It's all anonymous and will hopefully be up this week.

On the downside, I think I actually am an internet addict, and I don't know how to stop. Last Saturday I was online for 9 hours--NINE! In a row, without moving! I want to close some of my pages ... I have 8 I think. I think closing some of my pages is what has to happen, but it's so hard at the same time. I feel so attached to them...

Becca and Jackson are so cute, lol. I have no friends other than Becca. I can't stand Sarah anymore. Sheesh. She is so ... possessive. She wants me to be friends with her and only her. Justin. He is so mean, always telling me how ugly I am and how I'm such a computer loser and stuff. Uh, yeah, supportive friends. I hate them. It's so pitiful, but I consider my computer friends to be better friends than everyone at school :P

Lisa

{ #10: how to get the most out of life }

Age 15

June 7, 1999

How To Get the Most Out of Life

- let yourself laugh and remember the giggles
- let yourself cry but don't dwell on the tears
- draw with crayons
- stay up all night and look for falling stars
- read a whole book in one sitting
- pray as if you're talking to a friend
- eat healthy food but don't deprive yourself of junk food
- sing. even if you don't know the words and can't keep a tune, sing. especially in the shower.
- stop to smell the flowers.
- write people real letters.
- wear comfortable shoes.
- daydream.
- buy a yearbook.
- remember inside jokes.
- keep a journal.
- pick flowers. wear them in your hair.
- take piano lessons at least once.
- get enough fresh air.
- listen to your grandparents' stories.
- doodle.
- don't be afraid to say "i love you".
- make a snowman.
- have a good old-fashioned tea party.
- braid someone else's hair.
- play with playdough.
- don't eat it.
- see the cup as being half full.
- dance in the rain.
- let yourself love and be loved.
- own a teddy bear.
- have a pillowfight.
- never be too proud to say "i'm sorry".
- learn how to bake bread.
- talk to your plants.
- go tobogganing in the winter until your eyes water and your cheeks sting.
- buy your dad at least one tie.
- surprise somebody.
- tell the truth.
- watch the sun rise.
- read all the classics.
- have a rootbeer float.
- spend an entire day at the library.
- cuddle your pets.
- get your daily doseage of hugs.
- recite poetry.
- feed the birds.
- play on a swingset.
- go Christmas caroling.
- have a bubble bath.
- stop worrying about your zit.
- go barefoot more often.
- plant a tree.
- make a scrapbook.

{ #9: the start of the Moffatts era }

Age 15

February 20, 1999

I found out last Wednesday at soccer practise (from Mara) that The Moffatts were coming for a concert. Tickets went on sale today at 12:00 noon. I dialed for 10 minutes and figured I'd never get through, but then I did, so I used Mom's credit card information and ordered 2 tickets (for me and Amy). We got Row 15 on the floor!! The concert's on April 1, April Fools Day ("Because they're a joke!" said Rebecca). But it will be so fun!

Last night I went to youth group for the first time this year. It was disco night and really fun. However, Rachel ignored me so I hung out with Amy and all her friends (Kara came too!). We did an air guitar to the Grease Medley, but it rather sucked. But I was dressed up cool with my bell-bottoms decorated, a crazy shirt, the 70s hairdo and makeup. So fun.

Then I went to Krystal's "party" from 10-midnight. Boring! I almost fell asleep, plus I had a headache. Me, Krystal, Sarah, Jennie, Stacey, Naomi and Robyn were there. We sat around doing nothing. zzz.

Lisa



March 16, 1999

Once again this is at school. I am in drama now and Mr. A is still rambling so I'll tune in and out.

Last night I was chatting online with Bryan. He told me to guess what shirt he was wearing:

Bryan: What shirt am I wearing then? What's on it?
Lisa: It's black ...
Bryan: yeah ... (???)
Lisa: and the writing is red
Bryan: yeah ... (!!!)
Lisa: and ...
Bryan: what does it say then?
Lisa: Korn
Bryan: !! that's amazing!
Lisa: :o)
Bryan: How did you do that?!
Lisa: I'm psychic.

Hahaha. It was so weird though. But it was really funny. He's so good to talk to because he's like an escape from reality ... we joke around so much. He teases me about being short (Lisa: I'll punch you in the stomache / Bryan: Should I get you a stepladder?)

I told him that I was worried about him. But he told me that he hasn't been drinking for a long time and that he hasn't smoked for two and a half months either. I told him that made me really happy to hear. I'm slowly reforming him piece by piece, bit by bit. Hes very messed up though and it's hard for him to be good (as much as he want to be) and also to open up to other people (although that one time he told me everything and said it felt really good). Well there's my little blurb of an update on my online buddy, Bryan.

Oh yeah, and Bryan has a new motto. He wants me to stick by him since no one else is. He says: NO PREP! He's a skater so he's totally anti-prep. I'm not really anything. I wear cargos, some preppy stuff, and also just baggy, comfy sweatshirts. But I don't like really preppy people either. They're all way too conforming. They all do their hair the same way, all wear the same pants and shirts with 3/4 length sleeves. Although, I do admit, sometimes I think it would be fun to be trendy like that for a while. But I wonder, do guys even notice girls like that? Or do they just think they all look the same? Hmm ... another one of those secrets, eh?

Now, I hate to sound desperate or anything, but I do with that I had someone special ... it would just be nice to feel special and to be able to be close to someone. Becca, Manda, and Cil all have that with Jackson, in a way. I feel left out. Not because I want to be just like them, but I'm also a hopeless romantic (just look at my Elijah/Emma story!!) And where will I ever meet anybody?! Who knows! How do these things happen?! Oh well, I suppose God will make it happen, even if He decides to take His time ...

Lisa